Saturday, September 29, 2012

The red leaves are still on the trees, fall is still with us

A friend sent me this quote a few weeks ago from the Gospel of Thomas (I know nothing about Thomas or the Gnostic Gospels so this quote stands alone for me). This was near the beginning of my time here, and it's been holding space in my mind ever since...

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." 

I think, I hope, that each one of us has had moments or long stretches of time where this quote embodies our thoughts or feelings. For me, it's exactly right now. I'm nearing the end of my time here, at this particular first phase in this journey and so of course I'm wondering or recalling what I came here for and if I found it or achieved it and if there is anything I am supposed to be doing before I go. I don't know and I don't know are the answers but I also am not sure I care...

What I mean is, this experience has been deeply important, even if I can't define exactly why yet. None of us, or at least mostly none of us, ever take time to breathe. We don't take time to stop and to take care of ourselves and I hope I have done those things. Simply giving ourselves the space for breath and movement, and not just in the practice of yoga but in life, is such an easy thing to do and yet it can feel paralyzing. I feel a lot of pride and gratitude in having given myself that...

And yet, of course, there is the absolute insane restlessness that I feel too. What will I do next? Where will I live? Where will I work? Am I going to let myself have this year as I intended to have it, or will the anxiety of pushing toward the next thing and settling in to the next impossible to imagine phase be too all consuming? I am going back to New York for a few days before I move into the next month on Lake Champlain in the all familiar fall of apple pies and clear cold nights. And I'm scared of New York, I can't seem to leave it. It's a break-up and I keep going back to him over and over and I don't want to leave but I know it's the best thing for me. Though I can't help but think that it's the leaving that I need to bring forth what is within me... do you ever feel that way?

( I don't know if that question is rhetorical or not, I'd love if you answered it, but I certainly can't... and speaking of, thank you to those of you who are reading and especially those of you who are sending me gorgeous messages and comments. The love feels good.)

3 comments:

Barry DeCarli said...

Heather, I think it was Rilke who said "live the questions first." Good advice for those who are searching and wonder what for or where the journey will take them...It takes courage to do what you're doing and so few have that courage.

kw said...

Great post on the quiet moments that are a constant part of change. Once the dramatic choice is made, you then have to live with (and often question) the decision again and again. Made me tear up remembering my first year out of NYC and how exciting, anxious and hard it was. xo

Heather Duffy-Stone said...

Barry, we just need to let go of needing the answers, that is where Im working! Katie, my first MONTH out of NYC is so hard... but its good, right?