Still looking for trustful surrender (and I ate chocolate today)

I'm not really sure what I'm doing. But there is a new moon and it is the first day of fall, so I suppose these things are natural. That is what I'll believe tonight. I spent the morning painting the walls in someone else's home today. I didn't mind doing it at all. In fact, I found it incredibly meditative and almost therapeutic. But, inevitably, as I cut across the fields to lunch, paint on my palms and in my hair, I couldn't help thinking, wow, I have nothing to paint, no kitchen in which to bake apple pie when I leave here, no shelf on which to place these new books, no refrigerator on which to tape a photo... all of this is on purpose of course. I created this space. But. It feels very strange. So I keep going back to this word I've been spending time with.

Pratipaksa. Essentially, stepping away from a situation in order to be able to see more clearly from another standpoint. I am all Pratipaksa on this first day of fall.

Also, A very important side note. I'd like to cut any comparisons to Elizabeth Gilbert off at the pass... just to be safe. Taking a year off, leaving New York, going to an ashram (albeit in Pennsylvania, not India, just to begin the many differences), writing a book-- all I'm afraid could invite unwelcome comparisons. So let me just say this: I do not have a bajillion dollar advance to write said book (in fact, I'll be thrilled if it sells at all), my travels and my book are not intertwined, Im writing a novel about a character who is not me, no self-help involved, a much younger boyfriend did not lead me to the ashram, Italy is not part of this story, and if I fall in love in a tropical paradise and sail off into the sunset at the end of this blog I will give you $100.